Hi. It's me, Dave. From New Jersey. Dark hair, kinda short, brown eyes? Yeah, both of them. Uh huh...that's right, the guy with the weird pickle/tree tattoo. How's it hangin'?
Excuse me? No no, you're right; I haven't been flossing as much as I should. Um hmm...yes...I know. Listen, G, that's not why I'm reaching out.
I just wanted to reach out to thank you for this year's bumper crop of Republican presidential contenders. Especially Michele. Yeah, Bachmann. As a left-wing liberal Democrat and armchair humorist I have to give you your props for really coming through big-time with that one.
No, really. I mean here I am going around openly questioning your existence when--BAM!--there you are making your presence known beyond all doubt. No one could ever believe for a second that such an incredible dream-team of GOP presidential wannabes and tire-kickers could have "just happened" without the intervention of divine providence. Oh, and that whole "Jesus-dying-for-our-sins-for-eternal-salvation" thing? Yeah, thanks for that, too.
What's that? Okay, okay! Enough with the flossing already! Geez, since when did you become the point man for the American fucking Dental Association?!? Yes, I know they're the only teeth I'll ever have. Don't go getting all Old Testament frogs-and-locusts on me, alright?
Anyway, I am SO looking forward to sitting back and enjoying your show these next 17 months. First you whet our appetites with Sarah Palin: cat-lady crazy, shoots wolves from helicopters and an IQ that would make an enviable pro golf score. Oh, and that winking thing? Nice touch! Okay, so Sarah's not yet officially a candidate but we both know she didn't rent that stupid bus just so her husband could get a job driving it.
Then you lull us all into a nice, cozy stupor with Mitt "Almost Exciting Enough To Be Amish" Romney: charismatic as a box of Q-Tips and looking like he just stepped out of a pajama ad ripped from the 1978 Sears Christmas catalog. All that plus he's a Mormon! Then just when we're about to nod off--ZING!--you deliver unto us the money shot: Michele.
Michele...she might actually turn out to be more "Palin" than Palin: Lexington & Concord in New Hampshire. Abolitionist slave-owning founding fathers. A nationally televised seven minute reply to the President's State of the Union address delivered in its entirety to the wrong camera. Bizarre, McCarthyesque implications of congressional anti-Americanism. Rumor has it that Politifact.com has had to add on a second shift just to keep up with her. All this and it's not even 2012 yet. OMFY, it's like a political junkie's wet dream!
Then there's The Donald, Newt, Ron "Fountainhead" Paul, Godfather Cain and Rick "Please Don't Google Me" Santorum. And don't think for a second that we haven't noticed Rick Perry warming up in the bullpen, you sly dog. It's the wedding at Cana all over again; it just never stops! My cup truly runneth over.
Look, I know I haven't been in touch a lot lately but I swear to God--er, You--that I'll try to do a better job with that from now on. Honest. Excuse me? What was that? Yes, that and the flossing. You do know you're fixating, right? Gonna start calling you "Rainman" if you keep this shit up. I'm just sayin'.
No, I mean it. From now on I am totally on board the Yahweh Express, pinky-swear. I mean after this bountiful feast of oddity and ineptitude which you have so graciously placed before me, I'd have to be a putz not to be on board, am I right?
Where there was darkness you gave me light. When I was hungry you fed me. And when I was fearful and anxious about a potentially boring 2012 presidential campaign you gave me Sarah, Michele and their Merry Men. I am not worthy.
Thanks again, Big Guy, and let's not be strangers, okay? Maybe head on over to Benedict's for a little waffer and wine? Take in some Handel or a little Gregorian chant sometime soon, just the two of us? Yeah? Faaaan-tastic!
Hey, no kidding, it's been great chatting. You take care and I promise I'll work on the flossing, okay? You know, you're way cooler than the Jehovah's Witnesses say you are.
Ciao...
Dave
PS: John Wayne from Waterloo! Stop it, stop it, You're killin' me here!
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| "Thou shalt not forget to floss." |
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