Last month my wife and I celebrated the first anniversary of having moved into our first jointly owned home, a cozy two bedroom house in a "55+ active adult community" with the cringe-inducing name of "LeisureTowne." We made settlement the day after my wife's 55th birthday and hearing ourselves referred to as "the kids" by our older neighbors is a continual source of amusement.
I've often wondered why such communities seem to go out of their way to come up with the absolute worst names possible, names containing words such as Leisure, Silver, Senior, Autumn or Shady, each not-so-subtly connoting that our best days are already in our rear view mirror. As if getting up twice each night to pee wasn't evidence enough of our ceaseless advancement toward The Light one knee-creaking step at at time.
Are you at least 55 years of age and wondering if perhaps life in an active adult community might be for you? To find out I offer the simple questionnaire below. Those scoring three or more should fit right in. I said, THOSE SCORING THREE OR MORE SHOULD FIT RIGHT IN.
A show of hands if you...
- ...use checks to pay for groceries.
- ...have a telephone landline (extra credit if you also have an answering machine).
- ...consider the use of turn signals to be optional.
- ...aren't sure which is larger, your pill caddy or your prostate.
- ...own a Pickleball paddle.
- ...have a jar of Sanka in the cabinet or pantry.
- ...would push your grandchild into traffic rather than miss an episode of Jeopardy!
- ...own a typewriter (extra credit if it's ever been used to type an angry letter to an elected official).
- ...ever wore dress shoes with both socks and shorts (extra credit if shorts hiked up to nipples).
- ...can't resist looking out the window at every person or car that passes by (paging Mrs. Kravitz...)
- ...wish they were still making new episodes of Matlock.
- ...consider Jello-O and tapioca to be major food groups.
- ...covet thy neighbor's mailbox.
- ...have at least one clock in your home that's been blinking 12:00AM since the last time the grandkids came to visit.
- ...consider Bingo to be a contact sport.
- ...tuck your t-shirt into your shorts (extra credit if wearing a belt)
- ...drink coffee with every meal.
- ...remember when Tucker Carlson used to wear bow ties (extra credit it you thought they looked "snazzy".)
- ...have ever started a sentence with the words, "Kids today..."
- ...are mystified that none of the children or grandkids want your beautiful Lenox.
- ...own anything produced by the Franklin Mint.
- ...think nothing of driving an extra 37 miles for a free cup of coffee for seniors.
- ...consider golf carts to be a perfectly acceptable form of transportation.
- ...can't speak more than three sentences without mentioning the weather, your health or taxes.
- ...think more often about your lawn than sex.
- ...have ever owned a Buick (extra credit if it was beige).
- ...consider hair washing to be a weekly endeavor.
- ...haven't successfully parked your car evenly between the lines since the Clinton administration.
- ...constantly whine and complain about people who constantly whine and complain.
- ...feel that every song written since your youth is crap!
- ...refer to the TV remote control as the "clicker."
- ...can't understand why everyone makes so much fun of Florida.
- ...have enough free time on your hands to have read this through to the end.
 |
| Where everybody knows your name (but can't remember it) |
