Top Ten Least Popular MeetUp Ideas

10)  Spam fondu party

  9)  Twilight vermin hunt

  8)  Rob Schneider film festival

  7)  Toga Yoga

  6)  Speed interest-feigning

  5)  William Shatner karaoke

  4)  Lawn Thatch-a-Thon

  3)  Pre-dawn Amish happy hour

  2)  Grossest back-fat contest

  1)  Paint my living room

...and we have a winner!

Top Ten Benefits of a Second Divorce

10)  Eligible for 50% discount and free tote bag at The Divorce Center.

  9)  Only five more and I'll have my Larry King merit badge.

  8)  At least I think this is my second...that weekend in Cancun is still kinda hazy.

  7)  Good luck beating me at Trivial Pursuit: Laws of Equitable Distribution Edition.

  6)  Due to little known divorce statute, repeat litigants entitled to testify from judge's lap.

  5)  Two wedding bands and a hot gold market. Hello high-def LED flatscreen!

  4)  The satisfaction of having paid for a second attorney's child's college education.

  3)  County's popular new "2nd Divorce in 30 Minutes or Less or It's Free!" program.

  2)  Walking into court and hearing everyone shout, "Dave!" never gets old.

  1)  Had the pleasure of sharing my life with two special ladies. I wish them well!

"...Where everybody knows your name..."

Top Ten Least Popular Chinese Foods

10)  Kung Pao Panda

  9)  Scrapple Foo Young

  8)  Sweet and Sour Whatever-The-Hell-That-Was-We-Found-On-The-Glue Board

  7)  General Tso’s Colon

  6)  Kitten Chow Mein

  5)  Cashew Slug

  4)  Chinese Sausage (you don’t want to know)

  3)  Fortune Larvae

  2)  Chairman Mao Lo Mein

  1)  Wang Drop Soup

Tastes like chicken

Top Ten Reasons to Catch Tonight's GOP Presidential Debate

10)  Always a chance you might catch one of Herman Cain’s risqué biblical limericks.

  9)  Long awaited post-debate cage match between Rick Santorum and Marcus Bachmann.

  8)  Mitt Romney to wear his magical Mormon underwear...and nothing else!

  7)  Do a shot of Jägermeister every time Michele Bachmann emotes to the wrong camera.

  6)  Might catch Ron Paul dozing during four hour Gingrich rebuttal.

  5)  Rick Perry jogs with a loaded pistol. Just imagine what he’ll be packin’ tonight!

  4)  Rules mandate all opening statements include the phrase "explosive diarrhea."

  3)  Will security recognize Jon Huntsman and allow him on stage?

  2)  Major sponsor is Santorum.com so at least the commercials should be interesting (go ahead, look it up. I’ll wait.)

  1)  Pre-debate force-lightning extravaganza courtesy of Dick Cheney.

Dick Cheney

Chief of Staff, Vice President, Sith Lord

Top Ten Keys to Writing a Good Top Ten List

10)  Offend at as many groups as possible.

  9)  Think Jewish, not German (see above.)

  8)  Would Mom hate it? You're on the right track.

  7)  Some use their time to help others. You're reading this. What does this say about you?

  6)  Use inherently funny words (e.g. bloviate, hellscape, urethra, Gingrich.)

  5)  Minimal obscenities. Show some fucking restraint.

  4)  Toss in a few obscure pop culture references, such as Ken Weatherwax or Charo.

  3)  Try to pass it off as a creative diversion rather than a shameless cry for attention.

  2)  Carefully review The World According to Dave then do the opposite.

  1)  Don't worry that people won't think it's funny. Let's see them try this shit!

Ken “Pugsley Addams” Weatherwax

The Patron Saint of Obscure Pop Culture References

Top Ten Signs That Your Relationship Might Be In Trouble

10)  Those late night phone calls he's been getting from his new personal assistant, Steve.

  9)  She suggests a romantic getaway to Cancun then says how much she'll miss you.

  8)  His three latest Facebook friends are named Bambi, Amber and Destiny.

  7)  During lovemaking she cries out, "Do me, Wilford Brimley!"

  6)  You're walking hand in hand along a moonlit Hawaiian beach and all you can think about is whether or not the Packers covered the spread.

  5)  Is that a hint of EASY-OFF^® oven cleaner you detect in that romantic dinner she just prepared?

  4)  You catch him packing for a business trip and notice he's packed more condoms than underwear.

  3)  The adorable way she dry heaves every time you say "I love you."

  2)  His anniversary gift to you consists of Altoids, a Weight Watchers points book and two bottles of Nair.

  1)  Her new pet name for you: Thimbledick

Wilford Brimley: Sex Machine