Black Friday (and people wonder why I'm an atheist)

For me, Black Friday has traditionally referred to the day during which I remain home alone, ashamed of the previous day's unbridled orgy of gluttony and largely unable to move.  Still reeling from a carb and tryptophan-induced malaise, some years I'm barely able to get out of bed to attend to necessary bodily functions. The mirrors in my home are kept covered so as to lessen my shame and if I dress at all it's in tattered black rags that reek of Maalox.

For others, Black Friday signals the start of the holiday season and one that seems to be starting earlier each year. Many stores open Thanksgiving evening while others never close at all from Thanksgiving through the end of the weekend, thus blurring the line between Thanksgiving and Christmas to the undoubted delight of underpaid retail drones everywhere. As if working retail wasn't soul-crushing enough already.

Shopping on Black Friday isn't for the meek or those with low platelet counts. It's Olympic caliber shopping on steroids and as you might expect 'roid rage isn't uncommon. Every year the news regales us with tales of shopping-induced lunacy and outright bloodshed. I remember hearing one year about a 74-year-old woman who stabbed a woman who wouldn't relinquish the last Something-or-Other Elmo on the shelf.  Stories like this make me long for the days when Black Friday warfare was kinder and gentler, limited to shoving, biting and the occasional use of pepper-spray.

How proud our Holy Savior must be to see the celebration of his season ushered in with such ruthless and bloodthirsty gusto! WWJD? Why he'd shop of course and he wouldn't be a pussy about it, either. JC wouldn't hesitate to kick an ass or two if that's what it took to grab that last $99 laptop that Mary Magdalene's had her eye on.

If the stores were actually giving away their merchandise and offering 30-days of free oral sex after purchase you still couldn't drag me to within 100 yards of a retail establishment on Black Friday.  Yet I have friends and family who not only participate but actually look forward to it and enjoy it. It's like those sick fucks who associate pain with pleasure and can't get off unless someone's hanging dumbbells from their nipples with alligator clips.

Black Friday isn't to be enjoyed so much as endured, much like visits to see Grandma at Shady Acres, Fox News, Gwyneth Paltrow and every M. Night Shyamalan film since The Sixth Sense.

Attica. Watts. '92 LA. '68 Chicago. European soccer matches. Black Friday at any Walmart south of the Mason Dixon line. Any resemblance to civilized humanity is purely coincidental.

So as yet another Black Friday comes and goes I give thanks to a God whom I no longer believe exists for not having had to face the horror that lurks in the nation's malls and shopping centers on this most unholy of unofficial holidays.  And if you're one of those crazed, brazen lunatics prone to full-body shopgasms who just can't resist the call of the retail wild, I hope Black Friday is all that you hope for and that you manage to avoid any knife-wielding septuagenarians.

Glória in excélsis Deo, mother fucker!

Racism: Subtle Inclinations and Stepping Outside of Ourselves

One of my "must see" TV shows is Real Time with Bill Maher on HBO.  While I don't always agree with him and sometimes feel that he's an obnoxious douche-bag, I find that his show often causes me to consider topics and points of view about which I might not otherwise have given much thought.

Last summer Bill quoted a man named Ta-Nehisi Coates, a senior editor for The Atlantic and blogs on its website.  Bill's quote was of a piece that Mr. Coates published in September 2012 entitled "Fear of a Black President."  The quote, "Racism is not merely a simplistic hatred. It is, more often, broad sympathy toward some and broader skepticism toward others" struck a chord with me and I decided to look up the article and read it in its entirety.

Whether or not you agree with Mr. Coates, his article is well written and conveys a point-of-view foreign to anyone--liberal, conservative or otherwise--who has not lived life as an African-American.  His words are powerful and should cause anyone who takes the time to read them to stop and think about an issue that has the ability to galvanize people like few others.

Regardless of your take on racism in America, I hope that by publishing a link to the article I will in some modest way further the discourse on a topic deserving of thoughtful, open-minded contemplation rather than knee-jerk reactionism and myopia.

I have no idea what it's like to live as anything other than what I am: a middle-aged white male.  It's my awareness of my own perceptual limitations that helps me in my attempt to keep my own biases and prejudices in check.  It's what allows me to recognize that my attitudes and opinions might be radically different--yet no less valid--had I been born into a culture whose ancestors were once constitutionally and simultaneously considered both three-fifths of a person and chattel property by many of the Founding Fathers who adorn today's classroom walls.

In 1619 the first Africans appeared on our shores.  They weren't seeking religious freedom or greater economic opportunities; they were stolen from their homes and families, endured a horrific and often deadly voyage across a vast sea and arrived to an alien world terrified, heartbroken and enslaved in chains.  Not until 2112 will more time have passed during which blacks were free rather than enslaved in North America.  Think about that for a moment: another 98 years from today until African Americans as a race will have spent more time on American soil legally recognized as people than as property.  Another century just to break even in terms of time spent owned by other Americans.  And another century on top of that until the passage of the 1964 Civil Rights Act.

To discount the effect facts such as these have on a culture, to insist that "it's been long enough and they need to get over it" is at best naive and at worst arrogant and inflammatory, thus impeding or even reversing the glacial progress of American society toward tolerance and acceptance.

Is history sometimes used as an excuse by the historically disenfranchised?  No doubt.  But today's individuals are products of their cultures, cultures which are themselves byproducts of history.  History matters, if for no other reason than to help explain the attitudes of the present.

We as a society and as civilized members of the human race owe it to ourselves and to each other to occasionally turn our gaze from mirrors to windows, to see beyond ourselves and acknowledge the validity of points of view other than our own, points of view colored by the prism of of our own unique history and culture.

"Racism is not merely a simplistic hatred. It is, more often, broad sympathy toward some and broader skepticism toward others."  

It is the subtle employment of prejudice that is often the most toxic.

Christ's Top 10 Forgotten Miracles

10.  Cured the cranky
  9.  Calmed the raging Rush Limbaugh
  8.  Mastered Facebook privacy settings
  7.  Survived 40 days of Fox News
  6.  Walked on Jell-O
  5.  Made both Fresca and Baconnaise commercially viable
  4.  Exorcised crabgrass from otherwise pristine lawn
  3.  Fed the multitudes with three Hot Pockets and a bag of Doritos
  2.  Turned wine into urine
  1.  Keith Richards still alive

There's no other explanation

Manson Denied Parole: This is News?

Earlier this afternoon I logged on to MSNBC.com to see what was going on in the world.  I do this from time to time so as to hide the fact that I actually get most of my news from The Daily Show.

A red banner strewn across the top of the screen announced that everyone's favorite Beatles fan, forehead artist and well-groomed homicidal maniac Charles Manson had just been denied parole for the twelfth time in a row.

This is news?? Wouldn't the real story have been if Manson had been granted parole?  The fact that Charlie is still rotting in a prison cell is no more legitimate a news headline than "Amelia Earhart Still Missing" or "Substandard Dental Hygiene: Britain's Secret Shame."

Maybe the 13th time will be the charm

Monkee See, Monkee Do, Monkee Die

The town of Clarksville—yea, the entire world—is a sadder, quieter and somewhat taller place today due to the tragic loss of yet another iconic legend of the music industry.  I refer of course to the passing of one David Thomas “Davy” Jones of The Monkees at the age of 66. 

Known as Davy to his legion fans or “that talentless limey midget” to those with an appreciation of music, Jones was to The Monkees what Paul McCartney was to The Beatles: the cute one, the frontman, the heart-throb, the one who was way too old to be wearing that haircut.

While it’s true that Jones did not possess Sir Paul’s prodigious talent (or anyone else’s for that matter,) he managed to lend an air of dialectal sophistication to a rag-tag band of pantomiming rocker wannabes by virtue of the well known fact that anyone with a British accent is by defaut considered to be cool and cultured by the American public.

No frontman in the history of modern music could brandish a set of maracas like Davy Jones, nor sway to the beat of his own bitchin’ tunes with quite the same fervent panache, reminiscent not so much of the immortal Michael Jackson in his prime but rather of Michael J. Fox after a long night of angel dust and nipple-tasering.

They say that such tragedies come in threes.  The world can ill afford to lose yet another supernova in the pop music firmament yet I fear this is precisely what lies in store.  First Whitney Houston, now Davy Jones.  I sure as hell hope someone’s keeping an eye on Leif Garrett.

One down, three to go...

Top 10 Celebrity New Year's Resolutions

10)  Learn to tie my own shoes  --Rick Perry

  9)  Save a seat for Charlie Sheen  --Amy Winehouse

  8)  Start up a Boy Scout troop  --Jerry Sandusky

  7)  Find and destroy all copies of The Hangover Part II  --Bradley Cooper

  6)  Finally get through Green Eggs and Ham  --Sarah Palin

  5)  Independent bladder control  --Stephen Hawking

  4)  Hire a new housekeeper  --Maria Shriver

  3)  Slim down to 375lbs  --NJ Gov. Chris Christie

  2)  Threesome with Kate & Pippa  --Prince William

  1)  Chew solid foods  --Gabby Giffords

Aging well

Top 10 Least Popular Christmas Carols

10)  Joy to the (White, Conservative, Christian, English-Speaking) World
  9)  It's Beginning to Look a Lot Like Herpes
  8)  Do You Smell What I Smell?
  7)  It Came Upon a Midnight Clear (and Wouldn't Leave Until I Subscribed to The Watchtower)
  6)  O Little Town of Ferguson
  5)  Here Comes Santa Claus (and He's Packin' Heat!)
  4)  Grandma Got Run Over By a John Deere
  3)  Donald Trump is Coming to Town
  2)  I'll Be Home (and Living in Mom's Basement) for Christmas
  1)  I Saw Mommy Blowing Santa Claus

Fruitcake 1, Santa 0

Online Dating: The Last Refuge of Beach Walkers and Fireplace Cuddlers

2011 has been pretty damned intense and I have to admit that I won't be sorry to see it pass.  After spending much of it dealing with some rather significant life issues (my mother's prolonged illness and death, my divorce becoming final, workplace drama and the cancellation of the new Charlie's Angels) I decided it was time to get up off the canvas and return to the land of the living.

About a month ago I took the plunge and decided to try online dating.  Why not avail myself of a golden opportunity to meet intriguing new people, allow the law of large numbers to work in my favor and--who knows, if the stars and planets aligned just so--maybe meet a potential "special someone."

After being in the pond for about a month I came to realize that there were a few Online Dating Universals (ODU's.) First of all, if you don't have full-body orgasms at the mere thought of long walks on the beach then you'd best resign yourself right now to a life of soul-crushing loneliness culminating in a trip to the Soylent Green production facility.

Ditto for cuddling by the fireplace.  I guess it's what beach walkers do in the winter.  Since I don't have a fireplace in my apartment I suppose I'll have to resort to arson to make myself fit for polite society.

Talk about low hanging fruit! Who doesn't enjoy a nice walk on the beach or a cozy fire every now and again? If cliches like these top your list of life's passions then I'd hate to know what you'd consider to be life's more mundane pleasures.  Breathing?  Grocery shopping?  Turning right on red?

Next are the de rigueur admonitions against "playing games."  And to think I was this close to reaching out to BluEydJurzeeGrl36DD with an offer of pleasant conversation and Parcheesi.  I'm not exactly sure what playing games refers to but it seems to be a disease of pandemic proportions and a sin committed solely by men to intentionally confuse women to the point where they'll collapse naked into their beds.  I don't know what the answer is.  A telethon, maybe?  I hear Jerry Lewis has some free time on his hands these days.

Then there's the traveling. The incessant, incessant traveling. Where the hell do these women find the time and resources to do so damned much traveling?  And if their lives are so enriched by their passports then why are so many of them online posting blurry cell-phone kissy-faced cleavage shots from their bathroom mirrors?  Very classy, ladies. I'm sure you'll be thrilled to know that your meticulously crafted profile pix are being used as masturbation fodder by the likes of WellHungInNewark and RogueJedi1966.

I'd love to spend untold months traveling but I get a whopping two weeks of vacation a year and my salary is more Poland Spring than Perrier. Day trips and the occasional quickie getaway to the shore? Count me in. But extended jaunts to exotic locales just aren't part of  my universe. It's amazing how even the most vapid, sleep-inducing profiles are so often penned by women who seem to live the life of a National Geographic photographer.  I guess the call of fireplaces in foreign lands is simply too much to resist.

These are just the tip of the iceberg. As I spend more time ignoring cyber winks and tallying the number of times I come across the word "soulmate" I'll try to remember to come back and add more ODU's to the list. But for now these'll have to do.

Don't get me wrong. Online dating really can be a great way of getting two people into the same room but only if you're realistic about your expectations and have an honest sense of who you are. There are plenty of good, decent people out there but you're going to have to wade through a vast multitude of chromosomally challenged mouth-breathers in order to find the ones worth so much as a cup of coffee.

If you're not prepared to do a lot of patient sifting then you're asking for trouble and might as well resign yourself to looking for love in the produce aisle.  After all, who doesn't love a good melon thumping?

HungLuvr69...he's waiting for you

Royal Flush

The World According to Dave has just had its 2,000th hit!  I was pretty damned stoked until I discovered that this is 2,700,181 fewer hits than received by the International Toilet Museum website.  Fame, that glorious, fickle bitch-goddess...she mocks me.

Mom would be so proud...

Mixed Message

Martial arts and marriage counseling...perfect together

Happy Thanksgiving (But Good Luck Stuffing a Turtle)

Native Americans rarely ate turkey; killing such a timid bird was thought to indicate laziness.  Apparently they had no such qualms when it came to killing other equally ferocious creatures, such as bunnies, deer and the occasional ill-tempered box turtle.

Ready to fuck you up

Top 10 Benefits of a Second Divorce

10)  Eligible for free tote bag at The Divorce Center.

  9)  Only five more and I'll have my Larry King merit badge.

  8)  At least I think this is my second...that weekend in Cancun is still kinda hazy.

  7)  Good luck beating me at Trivial Pursuit: Laws of Equitable Distribution Edition.

  6)  Due to little known divorce statute, repeat litigants entitled to testify from judge's lap.

  5)  Two wedding bands and a hot gold market. Hello high-def LED flatscreen!

  4)  The satisfaction of having paid for a second attorney's child's college education.

  3)  County's popular new "2nd Divorce in 30 Minutes or It's Free!" program.

  2)  Walking into court and hearing everyone shout, "Dave!" never gets old.

  1)  Had the pleasure of sharing my life with two special ladies. I wish them well!

"...Where everybody knows your name..."

Top 10 Least Popular Chinese Foods

10)  Kung Pao Panda

  9)  Scrapple Foo Young

  8)  Sweet and Sour Whatever-The-Hell-That-Was-We-Found-On-The-Glue Board

  7)  General Tso’s Colon

  6)  Kitten Chow Mein

  5)  Cashew Slug

  4)  Chinese Sausage (you don’t want to know)

  3)  Fortune Larvae

  2)  Chairman Mao Lo Mein

  1)  Wang Drop Soup

Tastes like chicken

Top 10 Keys to Writing a Good Top 10 List

10)  Offend at as many groups as possible.

  9)  Think Jewish, not German (see above.)

  8)  Would Mom hate it? You're on the right track.

  7)  Some use their time to help others. You're reading this. What does this say about you?

  6)  Use inherently funny words (e.g. bloviate, hellscape, diarrhea, Trump.)

  5)  No obscenities. Show some fucking restraint.

  4)  Use obscure pop culture references (ex. Ken Weatherwax, Charo, anyone who's ever hosted Family Feud)

  3)  Try to pass it off as a creative diversion rather than a shameless cry for attention.

  2)  Carefully review The World According to Dave then do the opposite.

  1)  Don't worry that people won't think it's funny. Let's see them try this shit!

Ken “Pugsley Addams” Weatherwax

The Patron Saint of Obscure Pop Culture References
September 29, 1955 - December 7, 2014
"You were too beautiful for this world"

Top Ten Signs That Your Relationship Might Be In Trouble

10)  Those late night phone calls he's been getting from his new personal assistant, Steve.

  9)  She suggests a romantic getaway to Cancun then says how much she'll miss you.

  8)  His three latest Facebook friends are named Bambi, Amber and Destiny.

  7)  During lovemaking she cries out, "Do me, Wilford Brimley!"

  6)  You're walking hand in hand along a moonlit Hawaiian beach and all you can think about is whether or not the Packers covered the spread.

  5)  Is that a hint of Raid you detect in that romantic dinner she just prepared?

  4)  Who's this "Jared" guy he's been texting lately?

  3)  The adorable way she dry heaves every time you say "I love you."

  2)  His anniversary gift to you consists of Altoids, a Weight Watchers points book and two bottles of Nair.

  1)  Her pet name for you: Thimbledick

Wilford Brimley: Sex Machine (don't even try to keep up)

Top 10 "Or"s

10)  Ginger or Mary Ann?
  9)  Mayo or Miracle Whip?
  8)  Yellow light...slow down or speed up?
  7)  Joel or Mike?
  6)  Boxers or briefs?
  5)  Toilet paper...over or under?
  4)  Beatles or Stones?
  3)  Dave or Sammy?
  2)  Star Trek or Star Wars?
  1)  Michael Jackson...black guy or white chick?

I'm not convinced these are the same species, much less the same person

Top 10 Reasons to Cut Florida Loose and Let It Drift Out to Sea

10)  Deadly hurricanes, Stand Your Ground laws, rampant COVID-19 and cat-sized hissing cockroaches. What's not to love?

  9)  Anything less than 95° and 100% humidity and everyone cries like a little bitch about how cold it is.

  8)  Simple punch-card ballots beyond the intellectual capacity of state's voting populace.

  7)  Ponce de León’s fabled Fountain of Youth? No. The Burt Reynolds & Friends Museum? Yes.

  6)  Damn near impossible to figure out which beige Buick is yours in the Old Country Buffet parking lot.

  5)  Mar-a-Lago ('nuff said)

  4)  Despite large Jewish population surprisingly difficult to find a decent pastrami on rye.

  3)  Retirement community holiday golf cart parade and pot luck supper mark pinnacle of social season.

  2)  The Everglades: One of nature's pristine wonders or a shitty, malodorous hell-scape teeming with insects, deadly reptiles and parasites whose sole goal in life is to lay their eggs in your urethra?

  1)  State motto: America's Dick.

Burt Reynolds & Friends Museum

100 N US Hwy 1, Jupiter, FL 33477
(561) 743-9955

Thu-Sun: 11-4
Admission: $5.00

It's Only Cheating if You Get Caught

Would someone please explain to me why some people cheat at solitaire?  How much of a sick hyper-competitive butt-wipe must you be to cheat at a game in which you're the only player?

Top 10 Favorite Fruits & Vegetables

10)  RuPaul

  9)  Karen Ann Quinlan

  8)  Richard Simmons

  7)  Tomatoes

  6)  The entire male cast of Glee

  5)  Sunny von Bülow

  4)  Liberace

  3)  Terri Schiavo

  2)  Bananas

  1)  Tom Cruise

Remember when Eddie Murphy used to be funny?  Neither do I.

Top 10 Signs of a Bad First Date

10)  Starts every sentence with, "According to the terms of my parole..."
  9)  Her water breaks just after the appetizer.
  8)  Will only talk to you via his sock puppet, Mr. Chico.
  7)  Ten minutes into it he starts sobbing and calling you "Mommy."
  6)  45 minute iPhone slideshow of her cats.
  5)  Insists on ordering for you...in Klingon.
  4)  Arrives tired and peaked, asks if you're an organ donor.
  3)  Says you're a much better kisser than her brother.
  2)  His ankle monitor keeps going off during the movie.
  1)  Texts you picture of his dick from the men's room.

Dear God...

Dear God...

Hi.  It's me, Dave.  From New Jersey.  Dark hair, kinda short, brown eyes?  Yeah, both of them.  Uh huh...that's right, the guy with the weird pickle/tree tattoo.  How's it hangin'?

Excuse me?  No no, you're right; I haven't been flossing as much as I should.  Um hmm...yes...I know.  Listen, G, that's not why I'm reaching out.

I just wanted to reach out to thank you for this year's bumper crop of Republican presidential contenders.  Especially Michele.  Yeah, Bachmann.  As a left-wing liberal Democrat and armchair humorist I have to give you your props for really coming through big-time with that one.

No, really.  I mean here I am going around openly questioning your existence when--BAM!--there you are making your presence known beyond all doubt.  No one could ever believe for a second that such an incredible dream-team of GOP presidential wannabes and tire-kickers could have "just happened" without the intervention of divine providence.  Oh, and that whole "Jesus-dying-for-our-sins-for-eternal-salvation" thing?  Yeah, thanks for that, too.

What's that?  Okay, okay!  Enough with the flossing already!  Geez, since when did you become the point man for the American fucking Dental Association?!?  Yes, I know they're the only teeth I'll ever have.  Don't go getting all Old Testament frogs-and-locusts on me, alright?

Anyway, I am SO looking forward to sitting back and enjoying your show these next 17 months.  First you whet our appetites with Sarah Palin: cat-lady crazy, shoots wolves from helicopters and an IQ that would make an enviable pro golf score. Oh, and that winking thing?  Nice touch!  Okay, so Sarah's not yet officially a candidate but we both know she didn't rent that stupid bus just so her husband could get a job driving it.

Then you lull us all into a nice, cozy stupor with Mitt "Almost Exciting Enough To Be Amish" Romney: charismatic as a box of Q-Tips and looking like he just stepped out of a pajama ad ripped from the 1978 Sears Christmas catalog.  All that plus he's a Mormon!  Then just when we're about to nod off--ZING!--you deliver unto us the money shot:  Michele.

Michele...she might actually turn out to be more "Palin" than Palin:  Lexington & Concord in New Hampshire.  Abolitionist slave-owning founding fathers.  A nationally televised seven minute reply to the President's State of the Union address delivered in its entirety to the wrong camera.  Bizarre, McCarthyesque implications of congressional anti-Americanism.  Rumor has it that Politifact.com has had to add on a second shift just to keep up with her.  All this and it's not even 2012 yet.  OMFY, it's like a political junkie's wet dream!

Then there's The Donald, Newt, Ron "Fountainhead" Paul, Godfather Cain and Rick "Please Don't Google Me" Santorum.  And don't think for a second that we haven't noticed Rick Perry warming up in the bullpen, you sly dog.  It's the wedding at Cana all over again; it just never stops!  My cup truly runneth over.

Look, I know I haven't been in touch a lot lately but I swear to God--er, You--that I'll try to do a better job with that from now on.  Honest.  Excuse me?  What was that?  Yes, that and the flossing.  You do know you're fixating, right?  Gonna start calling you "Rainman" if you keep this shit up.  I'm just sayin'.

No, I mean it.  From now on I am totally on board the Yahweh Express, pinky-swear.  I mean after this bountiful feast of oddity and ineptitude which you have so graciously placed before me, I'd have to be a putz not to be on board, am I right?

Where there was darkness you gave me light.  When I was hungry you fed me.  And when I was fearful and anxious about a potentially boring 2012 presidential campaign you gave me Sarah, Michele and their Merry Men.  I am not worthy.

Thanks again, Big Guy, and let's not be strangers, okay?  Maybe head on over to Benedict's for a little waffer and wine?  Take in some Handel or a little Gregorian chant sometime soon, just the two of us?  Yeah?  Faaaan-tastic!

Hey, no kidding, it's been great chatting.  You take care and I promise I'll work on the flossing, okay? You know, you're way cooler than the Jehovah's Witnesses say you are.

Ciao...

Dave

PS:  John Wayne from Waterloo!  Stop it, stop it, You're killin' me here!

"Thou shalt not forget to floss."

Sarah Palin's Top 10 Moments in American History

10)  Louis Armstrong walks on the moon
  9)  Roe vs Wade grants women right to vote
  8)  Final episode of M*A*S*H brings peace to Korea
  7)  Lee surrenders to Grant at Lincoln's summer home in Gettysburg
  6)  Stock car crash of 1929
  5)  Thomas Edison invents Declaration of Independence
  4)  United States nukes Germany during Berlin Airlift to end WWI
  3)  Columbo discovers America
  2)  Randy Jackson defeats British at Battle of New Orleans

  1)  US wins Cola War

Randy Jackson: Patriot

Top 10 Least Popular Housewarming Gifts

10)  Proctor-Silex shower toaster
  9)  Donald Trump scowling lawn gnome
  8)  Poison ivy trellis
  7)  Orkin gift card
  6)  Freshly baked liver meringue pie
  5)  Gary Busey welcome mat
  4)  Framed Anthony Weiner collage
  3)  Provolone scented candles
  2)  Mariah Carey shrieking smoke detector
  1)  Spam log

"Fiiiiiiiire!"

Top Ten Signs That Newt Gingrich Might Not Be Serious About Running for President

10)  Campaign HQ now on Lido deck of Aegean I

  9)  Constantly whines about grueling noon-2pm campaign schedule

  8)  Recently caught texting photo of bloated stomach to Elisabeth Hasselbeck

  7)  Not crazy about Secret Service code name:  Ass-Face

  6)  Campaign financed entirely by sale of "Ex-Wives vs. Ex-Campaign-Staffers"
       chess sets

  5)  Using hip new AM radio technology to reach out to America's youth

  4)  Has taken to wearing Speedo and Crocs to press conferences

  3)  White House gift shop out, Tiffany’s in

  2)  Refuses to fellate Roger Ailes

  1)  Running mate: Charo

Newt Gingrich hard at work preparing for GOP presidential primary debate 
(moments before being wrestled back into the sea by members of the 
Marine Mammal Stranding Center)

Franklin's Sad Decline

In his later years, it was not unusual for Benjamin Franklin to be found wandering the streets of Philadelphia naked, reeking of urine and shouting obscenities at random passersby.  Were this in fact true would it not be a fascinating historical tidbit?

Presidential Finger-Crossing

More than anyone else, who hopes that Sarah Palin enters the 2012 presidential race?  My guess would be Barack Obama.

...and maybe Jon Stewart & Stephen Colbert

Where Does Taft End and the Buffalo Begin?

Not only is William Howard Taft the only US President ever to have served as Chief Justice of the US Supreme Court, he's also the only President ever to have been photographed riding a water buffalo. 

Taft riding his favorite water buffalo, which he adoringly named "Lunchy"

Amaze Your Friends!!!

Did you know that the word “scrotum” appears the exact same number of times in the Bible, the Tanakh and the Koran?  What're the odds?

And You Thought *You* Had No Life

The Klingon Bible Translation Project is just that: an effort to translate the Holy Bible into Klingon. What are the odds that anyone working on this project has ever known the love of a woman?

Trekkers: Making Civil War reenactors seem cool by comparison since 1966

Persistence Plus

Gene Shalit’s successful television career is irrefutable proof that looks don’t matter and that anything is possible if you 1) work hard 2) believe in yourself and 3) enter into a pact with Satan.

"Hail, Satan!"

His Friends Called Him Danielle

Despite how he's commonly depicted, American frontiersman Daniel Boone actually detested coonskin caps.  He did, however, simply adore lace cammies and frilly housecoats.

From the new Barbara Bel Geddes Collection

Which One Is the Secret Identity?

You never see Chaz Bono and John Goodman together at the same time.  Think about it.

John?

Chaz?

For The Ladies (Some Free Insight Into Men)

Unless we're trying to get you in the sack or get out of the doghouse, no straight man will ever compliment you about your shoes.  Ever.  If he's telling you how much he likes your shoes there's a very good chance that at one time or another he's tasted cock (and if he asks where you got them then rest assured he enjoyed it.)

Sorry ladies but the only time we notice you're even wearing shoes is when they're A) mis-matched B) clown-like C) fuck-me pumps or D) reek of dog shit as you're about to get into our car.

"Nice shoes."

No Accouting for Taste (or Lack Thereof)

By age 60, most people have lost half of their taste buds (thus explaining the continued popularity of Sanka, mincemeat pies and Old Country Buffet.)

Avram Douchinsky: World's youngest Sanka drinker

Perfectly Boring Baseball

A perfect game in baseball is one in which the pitcher pitches the entire game without allowing any player of the opposite team to reach first base by any means.  Thus--by its own admission--baseball attains perfection when absolutely nothing happens!  Proof at last that baseball is indeed the most mind-numbingly boring sport ever devised by man.

Baseball: America's Naptime

Carded

When the hell did "getting carded" go from being asked for my drivers license to asking to see my AARP card?!?

Mona Lisa Alopecia

The Mona Lisa has no eyelashes or eyebrows. It is believed, however, that the carpet does indeed match the drapes.

No brows or lashes but more back hair than Ed Asner

Crocs are a Crock

I hate Crocs.  A lot.

Crocs are not clothing.  Crocs are not attractive.  Crocs are neither fashionable nor natural.  Crocs are made of plastic, as are bed pans, douches and Donald Trump's hair.

Crocs are not for anyone over the age of nine and adults who wear Crocs deserve merciless public ridicule if not flogging.  The only thing worse than wearing Crocs is wearing Crocks with socks.  And rhyming.

Croc-o-philes who are able to form coherent sentences frequently swear that they only wear them because Crocs are so damned comfortable.  But so are water shoes and pink fuzzy slippers yet most of us still somehow manage to refrain from wearing them to the grocery store or beyond the confines of the trailer park. 

Perhaps most unforgivable and aesthetically offensive of all is when grown men wear Crocs.  It's no coincidence that these tend to be the same guys who 1) adorn their pick-ups with truck nuts 2) can't recite the alphabet without singing and 3) consider Chris Farley to have been a comic genius.  These men are hopelessly out of touch with reality and constitute the most compelling argument to date in favor of euthanasia.

In short, I hate Crocs.  A lot.

Thank you.

Crocs: A curse upon civilized humanity vomited forth from the fiery bowels of Hell

The Words They Are A-Indecipherable

After months of exhaustive research, I have discovered that in all of Bob Dylan’s collective works there are exactly 119 intelligible words.  This is two fewer than James Brown and one more than Yoko Ono. 

WTF?!?

That's Seven Minutes More Than I'd Have Guesed

It takes the light generated by the sun 8.5 minutes to reach the earth.  This is approximately equal to the quantity of “Fair and Balanced” content found in a single week of FOX News.

Sean Hannity: Will bloviate for food

Florida On My Mind

The term "young native Floridian" is an oxymoron.

Walter and Marsha Dillwhipple toasting your good health with cool, refreshing Geritol

Parker Stevenson Can't Tell Them Apart

The average female Asian elephant weighs approximately 9,000 lbs. This is equal to 39 Kirstie Alleys. Elephants are, however, widely believed to eat less and be better dancers.

Bitchin' kankles

Stuporman

Did you ever notice in the old Superman TV show and movies how Superman would stand idly by as bullets bounced off his chest only to duck when the bad guy threw the empty gun at him?  Pretty pathetic, even for a guy who saunters about in red and blue Dr. Dentons all day long.

How Do They Know This?

A goldfish supposedly has a memory span of three seconds.  How the hell did anyone ever figure this out?!?

Irish Trivia

Although not widely known beyond the shores of the Emerald Isle, the correct response to the traditional Irish greeting, "Top o' the morning to you!" is "Go fuck yourself."

Especially When The Water's Warm

Public drinking fountains are almost always found in close proximity to rest rooms.  Now I know that makes sense because of the plumbing lines and all but am I the only one who still finds it--you know-- kinda icky?

Cheers!

H2Go!

Drinking 16oz. of ice water requires the body to burn 17.5 Calories to warm the water up to body temperature. The recommended daily intake of water is 64oz. (eight 8oz. glasses). Thus, the body will burn 70 Calories if this amount is consumed as ice water and another 942 Calories squirming and running to the bathroom all day.

As of June 19, 2011...

44,800:  The number of results that come up if you Google “Michele Bachmann Batshit Crazy."

Mom, Did I Ever Tell You?...

(Originally posted on Facebook, Mother's Day 2011)

Happy Mothers Day, Mom. You knew how much I loved you but did you know how proud I was to be your son?

Did I ever tell you, Mom, how I was always so eager to introduce you to my friends, my loves, to anyone I cared about?  How I couldn't wait for them to meet my gracious, beautiful and loving mother?  Being your son made me look good.

You always knew just what to say to make things right and put people at ease.  Throughout my life, you were always my one shining example of how people should be treated.  Kindness, grace and compassion personified.  So often I'd ask myself, "What would Mom do or say?" and then it would come to me.  Yet another of your many gifts.

Life has gone on and the days continue to pass into weeks into months into years.  But the world without you in it just isn't right.  You were taken too soon--too terribly, terribly soon--and those of us left behind continue to suffer the in the vacuum of your absence.

Thank you, too, for the gift of my beloved sister, without whom I never could have coped with your loss.  She's all I have left of you and I promise to love and care for her as you would have wanted.

Happy Mothers Day, Mom, and thank you for making me all that I am or will ever hope to be.  You gave me life.  You taught me love and respect.  You gave me a family to cherish.  You were our world and now you're gone and nothing will ever be the same except for the adoration of those of us who keep you in our hearts today and always.

Your loving son,

David