9. Calmed the raging Rush Limbaugh
8. Mastered Facebook privacy settings
7. Survived 40 days of Fox News
6. Walked on Jell-O
5. Made both Fresca and Baconnaise commercially viable
4. Exorcised crabgrass from otherwise pristine lawn
3. Fed the multitudes with three Hot Pockets and a bag of Doritos
2. Turned wine into urine
1. Keith Richards still alive
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| There's no other explanation |
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