Top 10 Signs that This Year's Christmas was Less than Merry

#10

Last Year: Sang Christmas carols to grateful, cider-bearing seniors at nearby retirement community

This Year: The carolers at your door? Ex-wives and girlfriends wielding tire irons and crowbars.

#9

Last Year’s Holiday Feast: Shrimp cocktail, freshly roasted turkey, mashed potatoes & gravy and homemade plum pudding

This year’s Holiday Feast: Two Slim-Jims, a tin of Turkey Spam, canned green beans and half a box of Ring Dings

#8

Last Year: Stolen kisses with Special Someone under the mistletoe

This Year: Rushed, drunken handjob from Jamie the cashier in Kmart parking lot

#7

Last Year’s After-Dinner Indulgence: Lounged in a supple leather wing chair with a snifter of Cognac and a fine cigar while catching up with family

This year After-Dinner Indulgence: Slammed shots of Robitussin and chain-smoked Camels from a rusty folding chair while sobbing to Brad from the Suicide Prevention Hotline

#6

Last Year: Took the kids to an enchanting live performance of The Nutcracker as performed by The New York City Ballet

This Year: Six hours of repeated airings of Jim Carrey’s How the Grinch Stole Christmas on sofa next to flatulent brother-in-law, Earl

#5

Last Year’s Favorite Gift: That sweet Movado you’ve had your eye on 

This Year’s Favorite Gift: Mismatched socks from Dollar General

#4

Last Year's Charitable Endeavor: Made a sizable, anonymous donation to the local homeless shelter

This Year's Charitable Endeavor: Salvation Army guy beats you bloody with bell after catching you trying to steal his kettle

#3

Last Year: Midnight mass with the family

This Year: Arrested for feeling up the hot forty-something soccer mom in the next pew during Exchange of the Peace

#2

Last Year's Christmas Card:  A concise, charming letter chronicling the past year's triumphs, challenges, tragedies and joys

This Year's Christmas Card: Some tired old shit you cut and pasted from your lame-ass blog

#1

Last Year: Surprised girlfriend with engagement ring followed by several hours of tender yet passionate lovemaking next to the Christmas tree while bathed in the soft glow of a crackling fireplace

This Year: Masturbated alone over pictures of Miley Cyrus dressed as an elf

'Tis the season to treat yourself to a refreshing "Let's See What's Under The Kitchen Sink" cocktail